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<title>where did I go wrong (I lost a friend) by SaraJaye</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26862925">where did I go wrong (I lost a friend)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaraJaye/pseuds/SaraJaye'>SaraJaye</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canonical Character Death, Crying Felix Hugo Fraldarius, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fire Emblem: Three Houses Golden Deer Route Spoilers, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Implied Relationships, Regret, UGLY SOBBING</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 18:14:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,008</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26862925</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaraJaye/pseuds/SaraJaye</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Dimitri is dead, Felix never fully grasped his pain, and it's too late to apologize.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Annette Fantine Dominic &amp; Felix Hugo Fraldarius, Annette Fantine Dominic/Felix Hugo Fraldarius</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>FE3H Kink Meme</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>where did I go wrong (I lost a friend)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p><b>Prompt:</b> Felix’s “I’m not free from emotion, far from it” in his A support with Dimitri really pierced my heart, so I’m craving some emotional Felix.</p><p>Either something super fluffy, like Felix cooing at a cat and feeding it by his hand, or something super sad, like Felix having a breakdown and ugly sobbing after the events of Gronder (if AM, because of his father’s death and if non-AM, because of Dimitri’s death).</p><p>I just want to see this usually cold, stoic man have his emotions bare and be able to have a good time – or be so drained that he needs a good cry to let it all out.</p><p>Any pairings and any routes are fine by me!</p><p>--<br/>This assumes Felix, Ashe, Annette, and Mercedes were recruited into the Golden Deer, while Sylvain and Ingrid were not.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hours later, he still feels like he's in a nightmare he can't wake up from. Even seeing the boar's body didn't feel real, or watching a devastated Sylvain and Ingrid quietly leave the field. The boar's attack dog hasn't been seen since, Ashe is fretting that he might be dead. The professor's somber expression, Hilda weeping that the boar deserved a better end, Claude wondering what's to become of the Kingdom.</p><p>He knows it's real, though. The blood, the rips in his clothing, the agony on his still face, Areadbhar still clutched tightly in stiff fingers. Images still fresh in his memory, reminders of the boar everywhere he looks. The training ground, the pile of broken practice swords. The dining hall where the boar would offer his food and Felix would scoff at him to <i>fucking eat</i> before he passed out.</p><p>
  <i>Dead. He's dead.</i>
</p><p>"Felix?" The doors to the training grounds swing open. Annette slowly approaches him, a basket of food in her hand. <i>Typical.</i> "You missed dinner and there was plenty extra, so I brought you some." He smells his favorite meat skewers and vegetables, but his stomach clenches at the idea of food.</p><p>"I'll have it later."</p><p>"It's already getting dark." She puts the basket down and walks over, placing a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry. Hearing about it made me sad, but I can't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling." His instinct is to yell and shrug her off, but right now he can't even muster the strength to do that. He's tired after nonstop training, his head hurts, he feels like he's walking through a sticky fog.</p><p>"He did it to himself," he mutters. "You saw it firsthand, his true colors. The bloodlust, the constant muttering of revenge, talking to dead people." <i>You're finally with them again, boar, was it worth it?</i></p><p>"Still..." Annette shakes her head. "He deserved-"</p><p>"Don't. Just...don't." Hilda's a hypocrite, crying over a dead guy she barely knew and only talked about a few times, all those times to criticize his insanity. The only thing that kept him from screaming at her in the aftermath was the disbelief still gripping him.</p><p>But Hilda is also Annette's good friend and most of the time she's not <i>that</i> bad a person, so he keeps his mouth shut.</p><p>"Sorry."</p><p>He squeezes hs eyes shut.</p><p>"He would've died anyway. Even if he survived at Gronder, even if he made it all the way to Enbarr, he'd still-" His voice catches, and he clenches his fist. "The idiot didn't know when to <i>stop.</i> The Empire soldiers killed him, but only because he kept running. He was practically in <i>pieces</i> and he just kept-"</p><p>Tears sting his eyes and he does pull away from her now, swallowing against the lump forming in his throat. Memories of the old days flood him, mingling with the images of the boar's last moments until it's too much. Felix falls to his knees, slamming his fist into the floor with a strangled cry.</p><p>"<i>Fuck you, boar!</i> You had <i>no right</i> to die on me like that!" Annette's at his side immediately, her arms wrapping around him, and Felix just collapses against her as the tears spill over. Loud, ugly sobs follow, his body heaving and jerking against her as everything he's struggled with over the last nine years comes pouring out. Duscur, Dimitri's descent into madness, the widening rift between them.</p><p><i>I never understood,</i> he realizes, and it hurts. All that time blaming Dimitri for that rift, calling him a beast, acting like he was the only one who'd changed. <i>You were more broken than you let on, all this time, and I never even stopped to think about it. Dimitri...</i></p><p>"I never understood," he says out loud, the words muddled with tears and snot he knows are getting all over her, but she obviously doesn't care. "He was my <i>best friend</i> and I pushed him away, I just-" He sniffles, rubbing his nose on her shoulder. "I should've done more for him. I never-"</p><p>She hugs him tighter, small hands rubbing his back.</p><p>"I'm sorry. I can't even say I know how you're feeling because that's never happened to Mercie and me, and I wish I could say <i>something</i> to make it better." No one can, the only way to make it remotely better is some way to <i>apologize</i> to Dimitri for the past nine years. Even knowing he ridiculed and scolded Dimitri for always talking to the dead, he wishes it were <i>possible</i> just for one moment.</p><p><i>For him, though? Or for me?</i> he asks himself, but whatever the answer is it doesn't matter because Dimtiri's <i>dead</i> and everything <i>hurts</i> and Felix will have to live with the guilt for the rest of his life. All he can do is apologize to a cold grave if he ever returns to Faerghus, and wonder what might have been if things were different.</p><p>So he keeps sobbing into Annette's shoulder, and she just sits there and lets him. It feels like an age before he can finally stop, and the moment he lifts his head she's wiping his face off with a handkerchief and shoving the basket of food towards him.</p><p>"I'm still not hungry," he says, but his stomach protests and he sighs and opens the basket. "Thanks."</p><p>"I can't make it all better, but at least I can make sure you take care of yourself," she says. "And...if you need to cry like that again, you can cry on me." He tries not to look at the wet spots and snot stains on her dress. Even when he was a child who cried at the drop of a hat, it was never that gross.</p><p>"You don't need to take care of me."</p><p>"I know," she says. "But I want to."</p><p>He'd smile if his face didn't feel so numb. Instead, he eats slowly, knowing the food won't fix anything but his hungry stomach and that at least he's not alone right now.</p>
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